Editing and Anxiety: How to use Your Writing Process to Befriend Your Inner Critic

This past weekend I had the privilege of presenting a short class at the science fiction and fantasy convention ChattaCon. It was originally supposed to be a multi-expert panel, but as no other panelists joined me I had to convert my plans into an interactive lecture. I’m grateful for all the positive feedback i received after the event, and will be looking for opportunities to present this material, as well as more mental health-flavored writing advice, at other conventions in the future.

Below is something akin to a transcript of what I presented this past weekend. You can say a lot in an hour, and even though I am not including any of the questions or stories shared by the participants I will need several weeks to go through it all.

While this material is primarily aimed at writers, we are by no means the only people who have Inner Critics. If this is an experience you can identify with, please read along and adapt what you find to your own personal needs.

And if you’re a writer or artist and have ideas for more content like this you’d like me to present and/or write about, please share in the comments or email me via the site’s contact form. And now, finally, let’s get to the topic of today’s post.

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No one is born with an Inner Critic. Babies don’t pop into the world worrying that if they don’t learn to roll over on schedule they’ll fail at other developmental milestones. They don’t try to control their wailing so people won’t think them overly-sensitive or needy.

Rather, there is a little part of the brain called the medial frontal cortex (MFC) whose entire job is analyzing errors in search of lessons and solutions. This is how our habit- and pattern-loving brains get inspiration for trying new solutions and learning new skills.

Here’s your first exercise. it comes from an approach called Compassion Focused Therapy, so if you find this exercise particularly helpful and you’re in search of a therapist, consider looking for one who uses this modality. The exercise is called cultivating a Compassionate Other. In this case, we’re personifying the medial frontal cortex as the Compassionate Other.

The Compassionate Other is a person or creature, real or imagined or fictional, that makes you feel safe and cared for. In this case, your medial frontal cortex sidekick is gently guiding you along the path and empowering you to learn and grow. So, how does it appear to you?

Do you envision a wizened old mentor like Obi-Wan Kenobi? Jiminy Cricket or a beloved sibling or teacher? Are you a fan of cute animal tag-alongs in fiction, or feel more comfortable with a Pokémon or favorite philosopher? Conjure their face, their smell, the feel of a hand or paw or wing holding you close. Keep hold of this idea, we’ll use it later.

This is your story. You are both author and protagonist in your epic autobiographical adventure. You learned to use your body, your senses, your brain. You’ve set out on a Hero’s Journey, a quest for joy, stability, and belonging. Your sidekick is along for the ride, and your writing — or whatever your creative expression is — is the magical item you’ve chosen to wield in service of that quest.

Now I want you to enter the theater of the mind. Imagine your Inner Critic as a character in your story, too. What kind of character would they be?

Are they a monster, or a person? Do they have gender? Fangs, claws, wings? Can you even see them clearly, or do your instincts tell you to turn away from that image before you can get a good look?

This is the point in therapy where many of my clients ask if they can draw or write a description of their Inner Critics. You absolutely can. In fact, go ahead and do that now, if you want. Take a few minutes to jot down some notes or grab a pencil and paper and sketch out the rough outline of your Inner Critic. I’ll still be here when you’re ready to move on.

For those of you who prefer different media you can…play a few notes or chords on a musical instrument, construct a playlist or Pinterest board that represents your Inner Critic. Mold something out of clay or play-doh. Or, you can keep your imagination tucked safely inside your head. It’s your choice.

For those of you personifying your Inner Critic, think about their voice, how tall they are, or are not. Do they use similar phrases over and over and over a gain like a sorcerer chanting a spell to conjure anxiety-mist to block your path?

How old is your Inner Critic? Is it a cranky old spinster, a screaming adolescent, a looming, ageless force? How long have they been dogging your path, holding you back and tearing your mental map to shreds so you can’t think of a way to reach your dreams?

I’m going to pause the exercise for a moment here and say that if your Inner Critic looks, sounds, resembles, or talks like someone you know — usually a family member — you should see a therapist.

Of course, I’m of the opinion that everyone could benefit from a safe, neutral, independent relationship designed specifically to nurture and nourish them. But seriously, if it feels like your grandfather or mother or someone else you know is in your head telling you that you can’t succeed, that is likely an indicator of an unstable attachment formed early in life, and it’s having an ongoing impact on you now.

Not every Inner Critic is a symptom of neglect, trauma, disordered attachment, or some other pathology, but all Inner Critics are the spawn of Toxic Perfectionism, a nebulous vortex of expectations feeding on, transforming, and redistributing our fears of failure and rejection. And to protect its existence, this vortex has seeded us with the belief that we cannot succeed without it.

If you’ve ever had an uncomfortable reaction to the idea of self-forgiveness, giving yourself grace, or being kind to yourself you know what I’m talking about.

“I feel like I need the pressure to motivate myself to do better.”

“If I don’t push myself, I won’t change.”

“If I don’t catalogue and remind myself of my mistakes, how can I keep from making them again?”

“But wait a minute,” you say. “Wasn’t that my sidekick’s job? To help me learn from my mistakes? Did the trusty little sidekick fall through a plot hole, never to be seen again?”

No indeed. In fact, your sidekick has been with you all along. But tragically, the pain and trauma of living in an imperfect world in relationship with imperfect people have cast a glamor on your sidekick so complete that it impacts appearance, behavior, and intention, so much so that you can no longer recognize your friend from within the foe now haunting your way.

Your Inner Critic is a dark transformation of your sidekick.

Sit with this idea for a moment. Your Inner Critic has been trying to help you all along. It doesn’t see itself as an antagonist in your story. It thinks it’s on the side of light.

It can be hard to reconcile the idea of this thing that’s been causing you pain and frustration and doubt and fear for so long with the fact that it is trying to help you. If you notice yourself having any kind of strong physical reaction to this concept, you would most likely benefit from addressing the potential existence of verbal and/or emotional abuse in your past with a trained therapist. If this is the case for you, it’s ok to stop reading here and go do something kind and nurturing for yourself.

Come back when you’re ready. Or don’t. It’s ok. I want what’s best for you, and I trust your instincts on that.

For the rest of you who are only slightly uncomfortable with this concept, or intrigued by it, or totally don’t believe me, let’s move on.

Yes, your Inner Critic sees itself as a hero desperately trying to rescue you from disaster after disaster that could definitely totally happen if things don’t go perfectly. Like Marlin from Finding Nemo, determined to keep his son safe from a terrifying ocean because he himself was traumatized, your Inner Critic is using your natural need for growth and learning as an excuse to keep you safely cocooned in familiar mediocrity, anonymity, and invisibility.

Now take your sketches or descriptions, mood boards or playlists that represent your Compassionate Other — your sidekick — and the one representing your Inner Critic, and compare them to each other.

Can you find any similarities? Are there familiar elements across both ideas? Or do you find them irreconcilable?

Can you even imagine them side by side, or does that break the laws of your mental universe?

Something, or more likely a lot of something’s, happened to distort your sidekick into your Inner Critic, but deep down inside that rigid entity still has the same goal, to ensure you learn the skills and wisdom necessary to complete your chosen quest.

. It’s been working overtime, nights, and weekends trying to accomplish that goal in the face of what it perceives are overwhelming odds. Let’s face it: the world can be scary, and the people in it do some real damage to each other. The Inner Critic has some legitimate concerns, and recognizing that fact is the first step in bringing it back from the dark side.

Tracing the path of transformation from sidekick to antagonist is an exercise best done over time. You can reflect on this in a journal or with a counselor, or in conversations with a mentor or friends you feel safe with. But it’s not entirely necessary to discover this path in order to break the spell and restore your sidekick to their rightful place in your story.

Here are some exercises you can do throughout your writing journey to cast a friendlier light on your Inner Critic

• 1. Gratitude
  2. Compassionate Reframing
  3. Redemption Arc

This post is already well into the TLDR range, so I’m just going to dangle those ideas in front of you and then pop off to do my own writing for a little while. But stay tuned, because interspersed among the next three Flashback posts I will describe each of these exercises in detail, and with a couple of variations that you can explore and personalize.

Today your favorite blindfluencer asks what the kindest thing you’ve done for yourself is. Share your self-care magic in the comments, and pick up.a few new ideas from other readers.